The Truth About Letting A Baby Cry It Out: A Case Against Cry It Out Sleep Training
How is he sleeping? Is he sleeping through the night yet? When are you going to start sleep training?
It seems like these questions are hurled at you constantly when you have a new baby. And what’s worse, pediatricians, media outlets, and well-meaning friends and family often push the idea that babies need to “cry it out” or learn to “self-soothe” so that you can get back to getting a good night’s sleep. The pressure to conform to this approach can be overwhelming for parents seeking a good night's sleep.
But do these seemingly straightforward practices truly serve the best interests of our little ones? The answer is a resounding no. So, in this blog post, we’re going to dive into the true impact that crying it out can have on babies. Let’s start by clearly defining what crying it out really means.
What Is the Cry It Out Method?
The "cry it out" method, often referred to as "CIO," or the extinction method is a sleep training technique used with infants and young children with the intent to teach them to fall asleep independently and reduce their reliance on caregivers. The basis of the cry-it-out method is that sleeping is a “skill” – and that babies need the “space” to practice and master this skill.
As the name implies, this approach allows babies to simply cry….and continue to cry….until they are all cried out. Those who advocate for this approach refer to crying as protesting – or simply crying in response to a change in their routine. They assure parents that, over time, infants will learn to self-soothe or self-settle – and will effectively be able to calm themselves down enough to drift off to sleep.
Cry it out sleep training methods exist on a spectrum. So let’s take a second to zoom in on a couple of the different methods of crying it out.
Cry It Out Versus the Ferber Method: What’s the Difference?
There are different “levels” when it comes to allowing babies to cry it out – each with varying levels of involvement. The two primary forms are CIO and the Ferber Method. Here’s a breakdown of the 2 methods:
Cry It Out Method:
The basis of the CIO method includes:
Minimal Intervention: The cry it out method involves minimal parental intervention when the child is crying. Parents do not pick up the child or provide physical comfort. They may offer brief soothing words but avoid prolonged interaction.
No Comforting Checks: Parents typically put the child down for bed and leave the room – allowing baby to cry and “self-soothe” until they fall asleep.
Less Gradual Approach: This method tends to have a less gradual approach than the Ferber method, as parents are discouraged from providing babies any level of comfort or connection once they are in bed for the night.
Consistency: Consistency is essential for this method to be effective. Parents must stick to the established routine and gradually increase the wait time in a consistent manner.
Now let’s look at the Ferber method.
Ferber Method:
The basis of the Ferber method includes:
Progressive Waiting: The Ferber method, developed by Dr. Richard Ferber, involves a more structured and progressive approach to comforting the child. Parents check on the child at set intervals, gradually increasing the time between checks.
Comforting Checks: During the checks, parents provide brief comfort and reassurance to the child. They might pat the child's back or offer soothing words. However, they do not pick up the child or stay with them until they fall asleep.
Gradual Approach: The Ferber method is known for its gradual approach. Parents start with short intervals between checks (e.g., 3 minutes) and then gradually increase them (e.g., 5 minutes, 10 minutes, and so on).
Customizable: The Ferber method allows for more customization in terms of the timing of checks, based on the child's needs and the parent's comfort level.
While there are indeed distinct differences between these 2 approaches, they are both built on the foundation of allowing your baby to cry it out.
How Cry It Out Works
Again, there are some variations in how the cry-it-out method works, but in general, this approach to sleep training goes something like this:
Prepare your little one: Prepare your little one for a good night's sleep by going through a relaxing bedtime routine and setting up a sleep-friendly environment. Ensure you’ve met all of your baby’s needs by ensuring they have a full belly, a fresh diaper, and comfy pajamas.
Say goodnight: End your bedtime routine and give them a hug and/or kiss good night. If they start to fuss right away, use soothing words and light touch to calm them, but try to avoid picking them up.
Exit the room: Leave the room and close the door behind you. Expect your baby to “protest” and start crying when you leave.
Respond only to needs not wants: Remain outside of the room (although it’s ok to watch your baby on the video monitor if that helps you feel reassured). Experts and sleep consultants who recommend this approach are sure to remind parents to remember that your baby is crying because they’re asking you to respond to their wants (like a hug or to feed). But since you’ve already met all their “needs” it is crucial not to respond.
Allow your baby to cry: Once you’ve left the room, you simply allow the baby to cry – no matter how long or how extreme the crying may seem. As long as you can observe that they are not in any danger, it’s best to remain outside the room and allow them to cry it out.
Continue to allow baby to cry: For the cry-it-out method to work, you let your baby cry until they fall asleep – regardless of whether that takes 20 minutes or a couple of hours. If you find it hard to listen to your baby cry, experts recommend taking a break and walking away while letting your partner monitor your baby so you don’t become distressed.
Do not “cave in”: Cry it out experts also want parents to keep in mind that any time you “cave in” to your baby's cries, you essentially must start the process over.
If that sounds horrifying and heart-wrenching to you – you’re not alone. I think my jaw hit the floor when I actually read the steps of the cry-it-out method and the way that these “sleep experts” talk about babies. Because the truth is, this cry-it-out approach to raising babies, is not the way we as humans are designed to live.
This low-nurture approach to raising babies can be traced back to the late 1800s and early 1900s when some major shifts were happening in our country.
When Did Cry It Out Become Popular?
While there’s not necessarily a singular “creator” of allowing babies to cry it out, there were some notable historical characters whose opinions had a monumental impact on shaping and popularizing this approach. This blog post is a great place to start if you want to dive deeper into that. But the bottom line is, this distorted view of nurturing babies can be traced back to some distinct shifts in our modern-day culture. Some of these shifts include:
The Medicalization Of Childbirth And Child Rearing:
Our ancestors relied on the wisdom of their bodies and the women who had come before them to birth and raise their babies. At some point in our modern world, we stopped trusting our bodies and our elders and looked to the medical system and “experts” to tell them how to birth and raise their babies.
Glorification Of Self-Proclaimed Experts:
And who exactly did we begin putting our trust in and looking to for answers? Self-proclaimed experts – many of whom had zero experience in raising babies. Doctors, behaviorists, and other “hands-off” people began to spout advice about what was and wasn’t essential to raising children.
Gone were the days of trusting mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and other intergenerational family members who had spent years caring for and nurturing the next generation. Instead, we began putting our faith in experts who simply made claims that minimized the experiences and needs of babies.
A Focus On Shift Work:
Our country was built on (and continues to rely on) people clocking in and out of work. As women and even children entered the workforce, it only made sense to encourage the separation of families. If the idea of leaving the home to pursue a career and income was glorified and became the norm, it only made sense to promote anything that would allow women to get more sleep and focus more on themselves and their careers.
An Aversion To Attachment and Dependence:
Somewhere along the way, we became hyper-focused on independence and individuality. It became of the utmost importance to encourage independence as early as possible and to ensure that babies don’t become too attached to their mothers. The underlying cultural message slowly started to insinuate that pursuing a career, hobbies, and other self-interests were painted as ideal – while family life and children began to be viewed as more of an obligation and hindrance.
Children Becoming “Problem” To Solve:
It seems that the focus of sleep training is to make babies as convenient as possible. In the evolving landscape of modern culture, there's a discernible shift in perspective that subtly portrays children as challenges to be solved or obstacles to overcome. You only have to look at the way babies and children are painted in mainstream media to understand why so many people think that once you have children your “life is over.”
Our culture, in general, has stopped viewing children as blessings to be nurtured and instead framed them as challenges or obstructions to adults’ self-serving indulgences.
A Shift Away From Our Natural Instincts:
We are innately wired to have a strong and immediate response to our babies crying. We are biologically designed to respond to our babies and meet their needs. It is only in industrialized, Westernized countries that we’ve been taught to ignore our natural instincts and brainwashed to believe that it’s normal for babies to cry a lot.
Research has found that babies raised in some other cultures actually cry significantly less than what is considered “normal” in the U.S. In fact, in some cultures – particularly African cultures – babies cry very little. Check out this article to read about why African babies don’t cry from an African mothers perspective.
This conglomeration of cultural shifts inevitably has contributed to the rising popularity and normalization of letting babies simply cry it out.
So, What Does the Cry It Out Method Do To A Baby?
If you live in the U.S. or any other Westernized country, sleep training seems to be the norm. And many pediatricians, sleep consultants, and other “experts” will reassure you that it is indeed normal and even healthy to sleep train your baby. In fact, sleep training and crying it out is so normalized and entrenched in our culture, that it’s not uncommon to feel intensely pressured into trying to get your baby to sleep through the night.
Experts who push the idea of sleep training are adamant that there are absolutely zero harmful effects associated with letting a baby cry it out. But that’s not true – crying it out does have some distinct and real impacts on your baby.
But before we dive into what crying it out does to your baby, it’s important for you to first understand two key concepts:
The mother-baby dyad
The cortisol-oxytocin axis/relationship
Let’s break these down.
The Mother-Baby Dyad
The "baby-mother dyad" refers to the relationship or interaction between a baby and their mother (or primary caregiver). This attachment is critical for the child's emotional well-being, sense of security, and healthy development.
This relationship is designed to be a two-way interaction – infants communicate their needs, emotions, and cues to their mothers, and mothers, in turn, respond to those cues through comforting, feeding, and caregiving. And nowhere is this interaction more clearly illustrated than in the release of cortisol – the body's primary stress hormone via a process that goes like this:
Baby has a need or want: Baby has a need (i.e. hungry, wet, scared, tired, needing connection, etc) and cortisol levels rise.
Baby’s cortisol levels rise: As baby feels stressed, they call out to the caregiver via vocalization (crying).
Mother’s cortisol rises: In response to hearing the baby's cries, the mother's stress and cortisol levels immediately rise.
Baby’s needs are met: Once needs are met, baby’s cortisol levels return to baseline.
Cortisol levels drop: As baby’s cortisol levels drop, so do mom’s (or caregivers).
Mothers and babies' cortisol levels are designed to work in tandem. If you’re a mama, you likely know exactly what I’m talking about – it’s all but impossible to focus on anything if your baby is crying. That’s because your brain is doing exactly what it’s designed to do – spike cortisol levels and make you feel that sense of pressure and urgency to care for your baby.
The Cortisol-Oxytocin Relationship
But the relationship between cortisol and moms loving care doesn’t stop there. You see, unlike the adult brain, baby brains quite literally cannot pump the brakes on cortisol production and stress levels on their own. The part of the brain responsible for soothing stress is not developed enough for them to be able to calm down on their own.
Instead, they rely on mom and other caregivers to help them do that. You see, when you nurture your baby – whether that's holding them, comforting them, feeding, etc. – it releases the hormone oxytocin (also known as the love hormone). This release of oxytocin is what counteracts the effects of cortisol.
That means that your love, nurturing, and responsiveness to your baby’s cries is the only thing that can effectively help them calm down and return to a state of relaxation. They are quite literally incapable of “self-soothing”.
Does Crying Out Effect Brain Development? The Psychological Effects Of Leaving A Baby To Cry
So what happens if we ignore this basic biological correlation between babies' stress levels and their need for nurturing connection and care – regardless of whether your baby needs it at 2 in the afternoon or 2 in the morning? Some of the most prominent effects of leaving a baby to cry it out include:
Damage To Neuronal Connections:
Neuronal connections are the links between brain cells (neurons) that enable communication and information processing – playing a crucial role in the development of a baby's brain by shaping their cognitive, sensory, and motor functions as they learn and grow. When babies are left to cry it out, their cortisol levels continue to rise.
In excess, cortisol is a neuron killer – meaning this influx of cortisol inhibits the formation of these crucial connections. This damage to neuronal connections is not necessarily apparent immediately, but it can indeed have long-term effects on brain development and cognitive function.
Predisposition to Poor Mental Health and Difficulty With Self Regulation:
Babies are 100% reliant on their caregivers to meet their needs. They are entirely helpless and rely exclusively on their ability to communicate with caregivers (via crying and vocalizations) to get their needs met. And despite what our low-nurture culture might have you believe, babies' needs extend far beyond being fed, bathed, and having a clean diaper. The need for love, connection, comfort, and physical touch are all equally as important when it comes to an infant's needs.
This need for comfort, connection, and physical touch is crucial for helping babies learn how to self-regulate. When we ignore their cries, their ability to self-regulate is undermined – essentially tuning their body and brains up for a state of stress. And this sets the stage for all future brain development – meaning leaving babies to cry it out primes their brains to be in a distressed state and have more difficulty stabilizing their mental well-being.
Lower Self-Esteem and Poorer Self-Image:
When a baby gets scared and a parent holds and comforts him, the baby builds expectations for soothing, which get integrated into the ability to self-comfort. Babies learn that their needs are valid and worthy of recognition – instilling in them an inherent sense of value. When cries are ignored and their distress is dismissed, it can impact the babies' trust in the world and their self-image.
Relationship Difficulties and Increased Dependence:
The premise of allowing babies to cry it out is to teach them to be “independent”. But ironically, it has the opposite effect. By not meeting babies' needs on demand, it increases their stress levels and teaches them that they must scream to get their needs met and emotionally cling to caregivers in the hopes that their needs are satisfied.
And this ultimately can undermine their trust in relationships – giving them the message that relationships are not supportive and safe. This can ultimately affect their attachment – leading to insecure and/or avoidant attachment styles that can impact their interpersonal relationships for the rest of their lives.
Impaired Overall Health:
Heightened stress reactivity caused by allowing a baby to cry it out can establish a lifelong pattern not only in the brain but throughout the rest of the body. The mind and body are intricately intertwined. And prolonged psychological distress early in life can prime the brain and the body for problems.
Just one example is how prolonged stress can damage the function of the vagus nerve – which plays a crucial role in controlling heart rate, digestion, respiratory rate, and other essential functions.
So, Is Crying It Out Damaging?
The short answer to this question is – yes. We as humans are not designed to simply ignore our babies cries. Babies cry as a form of communication, expressing their needs and seeking comfort. Ignoring their cries can create feelings of abandonment and distress, potentially impacting their emotional well-being and attachment to others for the rest of their lives.
If you want to dive deeper into some of the studies that show the real impact of allowing a baby to cry it out, check out the following articles:
If you’re here reading this, there is a good chance that you are a mama or parent who is feeling the pressure to maybe let your baby cry it out…..but it’s not quite sitting right with your gut and your heart. And for good reason – because we’re not designed to let our babies cry without responding to them.
What If I’ve Already Used the Cry It Out Method With My Baby?
If you’ve used the cry it out method with your older children or have been in the process of attempting to sleep train your baby now and are worried that you’ve done something wrong or damaged your little ones in some way, be gentle with yourself. We all do the best we can with what we known. And once we know better we do better.
And the remarkable thing about human brains – and baby brains in particular – is that they are incredibly resilient and adaptable. So it’s never too late to help your little ones establish a healthy brain, strong relationships, a calm nervous system, and the ability to bounce back from stressful situations. So rest assured, that with a loving, nurturing approach you can absolutely help your baby recover from any stress or negative impacts caused from allowing them to cry it out.
But if you’re a mama currently struggling with bedtime, it might be worthwhile to explore another approach to helping your baby sleep. Something that is actually the polar opposite of letting your baby cry it out.
The Antidote to The Cry It Out Method: Co-Sleeping
Co-sleeping and the "cry it out" method represent two contrasting approaches to infant sleep. Instead of allowing your baby to scream endlessly while ignoring their needs, co-sleeping involves having a baby sleep close to the parents – often in the same bed or in close proximity. This approach emphasizes the importance of immediate responsiveness to a baby's needs, including comforting and soothing during the night (not just feeding and diaper changes).
For most of human history, co-sleeping has been the norm. In fact, in other cultures it's just called sleeping – it’s only in Westernized countries that have separated mother and baby that we need a special name for sleeping with your baby.
Co-sleeping is essentially the opposite of allowing your baby to cry it out – subsequently counteracting all of the negative impacts that the CIO method can have on baby development.
Want to Learn More About Co-Sleeping?
This blog post focuses on the true concerns and consequences of the cry-it-out method, not co-sleeping. But if you’re interested in learning more about co-sleeping, how it can help you and your baby get a better night's sleep, and all of the remarkable benefits it can have for your baby's development, head over and check out my Cosleeping 101 blog post.
Going Against the Grain Is Hard – Don’t Do It Alone
Our culture has ingrained some crazy ideas in our heads – like the idea that babies should be left to cry it out alone. It can be hard to go against this and other “norms” in our culture that seem to inundate every aspect of motherhood. It can be painful and confusing to be caught between the pull of your natural instincts and the push of mainstream advice.
So if you’re feeling a pull to do things a little differently, you're in the right place. Around here we reject most of the mainstream advice when it comes to motherhood and work on getting back to our roots – the way that God and Mother Nature designed us to be.
I know the first time I stumbled upon other moms who were going against the grain and speaking to those maternal instincts that I’d been grappling with, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. If you feel the same way, then I’m so glad you’re here.
And I created a free resource hub just for you. It’s full of resources that have helped me immensely when it comes to trusting my gut instinct and confidently making choices that are right for me and my family – and better yet, empowered me with the knowledge and evidence I needed to address any concerns or questions from my partner, family, healthcare providers, and other well-meaning individuals. Click here to get immediate access to all of these resources.
Resources: